George Carlin

I need a little funny in my life right now... "The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.” "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity" "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" "I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work" "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam" "Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town"